The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
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