i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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