Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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