Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
