I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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