I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
My feet surprised me
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
