I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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