WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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