Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
