I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
