I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
