I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
