I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
they're like a gay fantastic four
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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