Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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