Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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