Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
