forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
