im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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