If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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