I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
