apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
