There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
