unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
