I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
