We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
