My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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