I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I'm always down for nudity.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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