the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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