as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
