never play flip cup with pint glasses
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
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