SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
