When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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