glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
