Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
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