The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
