I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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