Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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