I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
