I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
