At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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