I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
so let's talk penis.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
