she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Randomize
