Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
