You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
