the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
All I want is dick and wine.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
