You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
