Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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