New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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