Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
