I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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